What am i doing anymore? I'm not even sure, purpose, goals and plans... They all elude me... Just something i cannot grasp i suppose... As of late I've just been confused... about everything; what i want out of life and want to give back... What i regret and what i cherish.. what used to be important is no longer.. what i guess I'm trying to say is i need more direction in life... I need more focus... I'm not a person who can look forward to an event years from now and work toward it... I need.. Something... perhaps someone... to keep me grounded... because a promise of to be just isn't enough anymore. I've been hurt.. and i guess its phased me more than i thought.... Ive always been disgusted by the majority of kids nowadays, so self centered and so ignorant... but i look at them... and for the most part... they do turn out a lot happier then me... Its almost ironic... those of us blessed with talents in some areas turn out to be crippled in others.. I know a lot of you in Hawaii miss me... so I'll try to tell you whats happened so far.. remember when you met me in Hawaii : / and it was months and months before i even talked to any of you or hung out with you for real? Thats where I've reverted to socially : / I'd kill for any of your abilities to socialize because its something i just seem to lack.. As far as Ian goes yeah... things didn't work out and i was pretty beaten up about it... even now I suppose I am still feeling its after effects... I'm so sorry that i kinda withdrew from the group a bit after meeting Ian... I just... I was happy and.. i knew i had limited time... forgive me if i neglected anyones feelings, please? Anywho I'm done rehashing past events, how about a real update for you guys? Alabama sucks... ear god stay away if you get the chance O.O;; Don't worry about me getting lonely, if you guys visit the south will absorb you... My loneliness leads me to my next topic i suppose.. my worries about the present and whats ahead.. You guys know me, I have no sense of time whatsoever, and after i lost Ian i suppose i did move on too quickly.. and in this hurry is the basis for my worries.. As I'm sure you've all heard I've found a Chris : / and he is terribly sweet and kind. Because of this I worry for his sake, about weather i was truly over Ian when i met him or weather or not I am even now ready for another relationship.. Caring comes so easily to me but this is why its so dangerous as well.. when you treat everyone with the respect of a lover, how do you know when you've met them.... I wanted to ask him before he could say, i really do... i wanted to sit own and talk to him about love... so that i might explain to him in a relaxed way how confused I am about the subject... how I'm worried about the meanings of the word, should one of us say we love the other... how I might not be ready to say such a thing to someone when i have been so recently hurt.. but... I was too late to sit down with him and have this talk... and so i was put in a situation where i really needed to say i loved him, because if i didn't he would have thought i didn't care for him so deeply, which i really do... i just dont wish to say it without being 100% sure.. because i dont want to hurt you... Chris... Anywho ill continue this tomorrow...i gotta go : /